"Even a Miracle needs a hand"

     There is this Christmas show that I love, ( I know Christmas in April i'm crazy!). Its the story of "Twas the Night Before Christmas" with a twist. The story is Narrated by father mouse, he tells of a terrible Christmas where Santa almost didn't come. The reason behind Santa not stopping by this little town was all the fault of his own son. As they go through the movie father mouse and his son find a way to fix things, but they need a miracle. Father mouse sings this song to his son and it is one of my most favorites.

Even A Miracle Needs a Hand

Miracles happen most every day
to people like you and me
but don’t expect a miracle
unless you help make it to be

You hope while I hurry
You pray while I plan
We’ll do what’s necessary cause
Even a miracle needs a hand

You love and I’ll labor
You sit while I stand
Get help from a next door neighbor cause
Even a miracle needs a hand

We’ll help our maker
to make our dreams come true
but I can’t do it alone
So here’s what we’re gonna do

You hope while I hurry
You pray while I plan
We’ll do what’s necessary cause
Even a miracle needs a hand

We’ll help our maker
to make our dreams come true
but we can’t do it alone
So what are we’re gonna do

You wish while I whittle
You drip while I dry
Lets all try to help a little cause
Even a miracle needs a hand

I have been blessed in my life to witness many miracles, some big and some small. As I watch and pray for these miracles especially in my own life the words of this song always come to mind. God is there and He loves us and He wants to send us those miracles but we have to put in our own effort. We can't sit by and just expect Him to do all the work. Sometimes even after we put in all the work the miracle doesn't come in the way we wanted it to, or at all. I don't feel that this is God turning His back on us, I feel it might just be part of something bigger that we don't understand and I think its ok that we don't. As long as we still believe in miracles and keep working for them I think things will all turn out in the end. 

After our placement failed last year after a year of things falling through in the adoption world our hearts were left  pretty bruised. Not only did we lose time, money, resource and a baby but we were begging to lose hope. We had many outsiders hitting us with their horrible thoughts on adoption and what seemed like every aspect of our lives, our daughters life and her birth families. We just couldn't do the negativity anymore our hearts were hurt enough as it was. We felt like every agency was only in it for money and that the price had almost tripled over the last few years. We did everything within our means to find the funds to adopt again, but it just wasn't enough. I remember many nights praying for a miracle, that somehow the money would come, that we could get one more loan, a raise at work, a rich unknown relative coming out of the wood works, winning the publishers clearing house, a random check in the mail, I imagined it all. In the end this miracle was not meant for us. The money never came and we had to pass up situation after situation. There just comes a point when you say enough is enough. We hit that point in November when we had to face the choice of renewing our home study or not. After much prayer and many conversations and sleepless nights we decided not to renew it. We felt it was time for a different path. As hard as it was to give up on this for a season the minute we made the choice my anxiety softened. There was just no one like Vivi's first Mommy, she was and is our angel. I realized that in this search we had been on it wasn't just our baby we couldn't find, it was a birth mom as kind, loving, courageous, wise and perfect for us as mommy Brandy. Her and I were meant to share this role as Vivi's mommies and I couldn't think of doing that with anyone else, and I think that might be part of why this time was so much harder. Vivi's first mommy set the bar high and we are grateful for that! [We miss her everyday and know that she is watching over her babies.] Knowing that in my heart helped calm my sorrows as we looked at the road ahead towards our miracle...

And so.... To Be Continued

The Year Passed By...

I didn't realize how quickly time is going, or so it seems to be most days. 2016 came and went without a blog post. Life has been busy, stressful, joyful, and a little disappointing at times. If there was a year that I could have lived without it would have been this past year. Looking back it seems that all that could go wrong went wrong. December of 2015 we renewed our home study, 2016 started with new hope as the year we would expand our family. We were full of hope in January as we started to share our story and family again. We had many opportunists/situations come about through different agencies, some of which we were not the right match but most we simply could not afford. We were doing all we could but we just could not make the financial part happen, we realized this time our adoption would have to happen privately. It seemed as though our hopes and dreams were just being crushed in front of us and there was nothing we could do, Then came May...
    May is always a big month in our home, Our baby girl has a birthday, Nick and I celebrate our anniversary, its a month of joy and celebration. This year we were looking forward to our 5th wedding anniversary and our baby girl turning 2! May was a time for us to put aside the sorrow and the pain of trying to grow our family and celebrate the family that we  are, or so we thought. We started the month with our baby turning 2, that day we also had very high hopes of another baby joining our family. That situation had a hard ending for us because we never found out what happened. This was a situation through an agency and they just never got back to us. No matter how many times we called or emailed they never responded and so we just let it go. Adoption is hard, Adoption is messy on all sides. 2 weeks after our baby girl turned 2 she was scheduled for eye surgery. Both Nick and I were worried about how this would go, in the course of getting ready for this every doctor, nurse, medical assistant asked about "family history". Normally this is a question I don't think too much because we don't know much about it. This time was different. Just 2 weeks after our little girls second birthday we got news that crushed our little family. Our sweet baby girls first mamma passed away. This is news I don't share lightly, it is part of our story and our families foundation, but to others it brings different response. A ll that people need to know about this is we were devastated, our world stopped. I've seen my husband cry about 3 times in all the time I've known him and this was worst I've ever seen him. This is something no adoption training or anything can prepare you for.  We lost a huge part of our family, we lost part of  our daughters identity, we were at a stand still we didn't know what to do. So back to being asked about my daughters family history all I could was cry. There was a whole part of her that I didn't know and even more I had no one I could get this information from. We proceed with the surgery and all went well and her eyes a straight and beautiful, I was very grateful for my own amazing parents who were with us as we went through this. They had been through this same surgery with my sister and were a great support for us and Vivian. We were/are blessed to have such a wonderful doctor (Doctor Bullard) who takes such good care of our babies eyes. The blessings didn't stop there. It was a Sunday morning and Nick's phone rang with a facebook call ( who knew facebook could do that). It was Vivi's birth grandma, we had never met or spoken to her and our nerves were very high. We answered the phone not knowing how this conversation would go but, "God is good, God is great." We had an amazing conversation with someone we loved instantly, we mourned with her over the loss of her daughter and rejoiced as we created a new family with each other. Now we have a wonderful open adoption with Tennessee grandma and we could not be more blessed. That fear of loosing part of our daughters identity has been turned to joy by welcoming in a wonderful part of our family. We are blessed at the love that can come through adoption because we know it is not without pain. This part of our story is special to us, its how our family is made, we know that many have different opinions about adoption and first families, some of those opinions are angry, hateful, and downright mean. So again I say this is OUR story, every family is different every adoption is different, don't try to tear our story and relationships down because your opinions are different or you feel we should have done something different.
    We made it through May and we hoped that would be the hardest part of our year, we were now heading to Nick's little brothers wedding reception in California. We were excited for a fun family time and ready to have time with just our family. While on our way down we had gotten a message from a girl we had met a few months back. She wanted us to be the parents of her sweet baby boy. Our hearts were soaring, we felt like we had finally come through the fire. This adoption would be done privately and so we would be able to afford it. When got back form our trip we called our attorney and met with this sweet girl and we had and were on our way to growing our family. The summer was wonderful, we had added a sweet girl to our family and we were preparing to welcome a baby boy. Unfortunately for us as quickly as things turned good they were bad again. Our baby boy was born and we heard nothing. We were crushed, devastated and so was Viv, it was hard watching her not only loose her brother but a friend that she had made in this girl. Again, Adoption is hard, Adoption is messy. We could never be angry at her for changing her mind and doing what she needed to do, we wish her the best of luck in life and know that her baby boy will be loved and cared for. We were now left with nothing and less funds then before ( we lost our attorney fees) so when November came we had a hard choice to make, to renew our home study or let it go. There are some choices in life you have to make even though it breaks your heart, this was one of those. We made the choice to not renew our home study.  This doesn't mean we are done with adoption, it doesn't mean we are done trying to grow our family, for now it just means we are taking time for our hearts to heal. we are looking but not actively searching. The adoption world has be a hard one this past year, with so many losses and heart ache but also with many unwanted opinions and hurtful comments from those who think differently about our adoption or adoption in general. This is our family and our story and we are proud of it. 2016 left us a little broken, but it gave us a lot of growth and lessons learned and of course more joy and hope. We look forward to 2017, we hope it brings a new family member but for now we are just grateful we have each other and ready for new adventures to begin.

Adoption, Here we go again!

    It's already December! A week away from Christmas! The month of December brings many emotions. Today December 17th, 7 years ago I entered the MTC to start one of the greatest adventures of my life. Serving a mission in Thailand has forever changed me for the better and prepared me for all of life's challenges that we have and will face. Seven years ago I would have never guessed what the month of December would mean to me and my family. This Sunday will mark the one year anniversary of being an eternal family! There is no grater knowledge than the simple truth, families can be together forever! I know this with my whole heart and i'm so grateful for the sealing power that gives me the promise that my family will always be together.

   

Our Sealing Day 

December 20, 2014

This year this month has not only brought back all the emotions of these wonderful things, But it has also brought some new challenges as well. We have decided that it is time to start the adoption process again. When we first decided this I had no idea that it would be so much harder the second time around.  We have been working with a wonderful caseworker who was able to get our home study finished very quickly for a situation we had. Unfortunately that did not work out so we now begin the process again. I've said it before but it is so true, adoption is not for the faint of heart. This time the calls of "i'm sorry but..." are so much harder to her, it not only is pain of not feeling good enough, but its pain of feeling like we are being judge for the type of parents we are. It feels like not only are we being rejected but so is our little girl. Its hard to feel that way when you are convinced you have the worlds most perfect child. All the pain and emotions from the first time around come flooding back and it makes me wonder if I am strong enough to do it all over again. As I sit here feeling all these emotions I think of Viv's amazing birth mom, her courage and strength and grace and I hope that I can have some of that as we start this journey again. I find myself staring at paper work to fill out, wondering how i'm going to sum up my family, our goals, desires, who we are into a short paragraph. Somedays I find myself angry at infertility, and other days I find myself so grateful for it. At the end of everyday, I find myself so grateful for my little girl and the amazing way she came into this world and to us. That is what gives me hope to fill out one more paper, write one more story about us. I know she will make the best big sister, I know she wants someone other then her dogs to play with. I know we want to welcome more family into our lives and so because that knowledge out weighs all the hurt and doubt, we begin this journey again... Nick, Tabitha & Vivian are adopting! 

Because of Him

#BecauseofHim

I have been meaning for a while to write a new post. Life has been so blissfully busy that it just escapes me. This week as we have prepared for easter I have I have seen many post comments pictures and videos with the hashtag because of Him. I love to see the world turn their gratitude and hearts to the Savior. The last 9 months of my life I have thought everyday of they joy I have because of Him. When I look at the face of my little girl, with her perfect beautiful eyes and her happy toothless smile, I know it was all because of Him that she is ours. I have found myself in the last few months feeling grateful for the sorrow, the pain and the blessing of infertility. While the sorrow and pain of infertility will never leave I have now been able to look upon it with gratitude.  

    "you receive no witness until after the trial of your faith" As I look at the trial we face to have a family my heart breaks, when I see others and their pregnancies I realize that is something I will never have. I have come to truly understand what it means when it is said "all that is unfair in life will be made right through the Atonement." While I will never carry my child inside of me I do carry a love and desire for them in my heart. This love does not dwindle or waver and it only increased when we finally met her. God has given me the opportunity to have a glimpse of His plan from His view. Being part of the adoption process only increases my faith in God and his plan for each of us. As he places these beautiful strong and courages women into the lives of so many of us desperately seeking what we can not have on our own, we are shown how God Himself grants each of us the gift to raise His children.  These children are not ours, they are His, the way that Vivi joined our family reminds me that everyday. She has such a sweet strong spirit about her, she is confident in who she is (yes at only 11 months she knows), she loves life and brings joy to all around her. Many of her qualities come from Her strong courageous birth mother. This child whom we pleaded with for daily, whom we searched the world over to find, God in His gracious mercy allowed us to bring her into our home to learn from her and to have a daily reminder of His grace and love for ALL his children.  #BecauseofHim We got to adopt, #BecauseofHim infertility did not beat us, #BecauseofHim We have a beautiful family. Because of Him!