Adoption, Here we go again!

    It's already December! A week away from Christmas! The month of December brings many emotions. Today December 17th, 7 years ago I entered the MTC to start one of the greatest adventures of my life. Serving a mission in Thailand has forever changed me for the better and prepared me for all of life's challenges that we have and will face. Seven years ago I would have never guessed what the month of December would mean to me and my family. This Sunday will mark the one year anniversary of being an eternal family! There is no grater knowledge than the simple truth, families can be together forever! I know this with my whole heart and i'm so grateful for the sealing power that gives me the promise that my family will always be together.

   

Our Sealing Day 

December 20, 2014

This year this month has not only brought back all the emotions of these wonderful things, But it has also brought some new challenges as well. We have decided that it is time to start the adoption process again. When we first decided this I had no idea that it would be so much harder the second time around.  We have been working with a wonderful caseworker who was able to get our home study finished very quickly for a situation we had. Unfortunately that did not work out so we now begin the process again. I've said it before but it is so true, adoption is not for the faint of heart. This time the calls of "i'm sorry but..." are so much harder to her, it not only is pain of not feeling good enough, but its pain of feeling like we are being judge for the type of parents we are. It feels like not only are we being rejected but so is our little girl. Its hard to feel that way when you are convinced you have the worlds most perfect child. All the pain and emotions from the first time around come flooding back and it makes me wonder if I am strong enough to do it all over again. As I sit here feeling all these emotions I think of Viv's amazing birth mom, her courage and strength and grace and I hope that I can have some of that as we start this journey again. I find myself staring at paper work to fill out, wondering how i'm going to sum up my family, our goals, desires, who we are into a short paragraph. Somedays I find myself angry at infertility, and other days I find myself so grateful for it. At the end of everyday, I find myself so grateful for my little girl and the amazing way she came into this world and to us. That is what gives me hope to fill out one more paper, write one more story about us. I know she will make the best big sister, I know she wants someone other then her dogs to play with. I know we want to welcome more family into our lives and so because that knowledge out weighs all the hurt and doubt, we begin this journey again... Nick, Tabitha & Vivian are adopting! 

Because of Him

#BecauseofHim

I have been meaning for a while to write a new post. Life has been so blissfully busy that it just escapes me. This week as we have prepared for easter I have I have seen many post comments pictures and videos with the hashtag because of Him. I love to see the world turn their gratitude and hearts to the Savior. The last 9 months of my life I have thought everyday of they joy I have because of Him. When I look at the face of my little girl, with her perfect beautiful eyes and her happy toothless smile, I know it was all because of Him that she is ours. I have found myself in the last few months feeling grateful for the sorrow, the pain and the blessing of infertility. While the sorrow and pain of infertility will never leave I have now been able to look upon it with gratitude.  

    "you receive no witness until after the trial of your faith" As I look at the trial we face to have a family my heart breaks, when I see others and their pregnancies I realize that is something I will never have. I have come to truly understand what it means when it is said "all that is unfair in life will be made right through the Atonement." While I will never carry my child inside of me I do carry a love and desire for them in my heart. This love does not dwindle or waver and it only increased when we finally met her. God has given me the opportunity to have a glimpse of His plan from His view. Being part of the adoption process only increases my faith in God and his plan for each of us. As he places these beautiful strong and courages women into the lives of so many of us desperately seeking what we can not have on our own, we are shown how God Himself grants each of us the gift to raise His children.  These children are not ours, they are His, the way that Vivi joined our family reminds me that everyday. She has such a sweet strong spirit about her, she is confident in who she is (yes at only 11 months she knows), she loves life and brings joy to all around her. Many of her qualities come from Her strong courageous birth mother. This child whom we pleaded with for daily, whom we searched the world over to find, God in His gracious mercy allowed us to bring her into our home to learn from her and to have a daily reminder of His grace and love for ALL his children.  #BecauseofHim We got to adopt, #BecauseofHim infertility did not beat us, #BecauseofHim We have a beautiful family. Because of Him!