"My Mama told me that sometimes people have to cry out all their tears, to make room for a heart full of smiles."
I feel like I have too many tears and no room for the smiles lately. For almost 2 months i've been pondering this post. How I will tell our story to the world in words that I just don't have. These last two months have left me without much more than words. I've been left without dreams, without hope, and without joy. I never knew that life could have this much pain and sorrow. Through the last few months I have realized a few things.
1. Pain is real, and can be caused by anyone.
2. Nick is the strongest man I know, and the best supporter I have.
3. Joy is found in the in-between spaces.
4. Dogs are the best friends anyone could ask for.
and last but certainly not least
5. Being an aunt is my most cherished calling! There is nothing that means more to me right now then being called Aunt Tabi.
Now for the intimate look into our lives. Forgive me for the lack of words, i don't know how to start. It's hard to transfer your raw emotions into words, but here it goes. Nick and I have been happily married for a year and 8 months, we have enjoyed every minute of it! We have been trying to start a family for about a year and 7 months... before i continue let me take a step back in our story. Before Nick and I were even married we had discussed adoption. My whole life I have always wanted to adopt, I'm not sure why i have just always felt so strongly about it. When I told Nick about how I felt amazingly he felt the same way. We both new that would be in our future, it was something that brought joy and excitement to our life. Shortly after we were married we started to look into and plan for adoption. We felt we would adopt first and then have children of our own, the world was at our fingertips and we were happy. After telling our family about our plans we were questioned with "why adoption?" They were curious as to why we were not having our own children. We were bombarded with stories of people who couldn't have children then adopted and months later were pregnant. We were told of the couple who tried clomid or Invitro and any other fertility treatment you can think of. All this seemed to calm my nerves about the fact that we hadn't gotten pregnant. We were watching everyone around us having kids and getting pregnant, it was starting to get frustrating.....
"Don't judge, you don't know what storms I've asked her to walk through." -God
Everyone is born into this world for a reason. Ever since I was small I knew my reason was to be a mother. I have spent my life devoted to children. Raising and nurturing other people's children is what I have spent more then half my life doing. I thought I was so prepared to be a mother, then I went on a mission. I remember telling my mom how I could never have been a good mother without serving a mission, it changed the way I thought about everything. By the time I got home I knew I was prepared to be the best possible mother I could be. Then I met Nick who is without a doubt the most nurturing man i know, children are drawn to him. He married into a family full of little kids and quickly became favorite uncle. I have never had to question if Nick would be a good father, I know that is what he was meant to do!
"The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and go, "No, I'm happy for you"? That's when its really sad." -John Mayer
So when the question and stories started flowing in from families we thought to put everyone at ease we would go to the doctor. So that is what we did, we found a wonderful doctor who was so kind to us. On November 13 two years to the day that Nick asked me to be his wife, we were told that we will not be able to have children. My whole world shattered in a matter of minutes. This was news that neither one of us expected. All those stories we'd heard of other couples would not be a reality for us. I won't give out too many details, but we do not have options. I guess it was a cut and dry case there will be no hope of clomid or invitro; for us it was short and simple. We will not have children, no hope, no chance, no way. Unless you have had that news, you will never ever understand the pain that is involved. Imagine your worst nightmare just came true, that is what had happened to me. I felt everything I had worked my whole life for was a waste. I felt useless, defeated and lied to, I was angry at the world, I was angry at God. To make matters worse everyone around me seemed (and it still feels this way) to be announcing their pregnancies, I felt like I was congratulating everyone through fake smiles and holding back tears. We still can't make sense of all of this, its still too fresh, and too raw. People try to comfort when they hear the news, we usually get one of two responses, the first being "oh well you wanted to adopt so now you can just do that." And two, they try to sympathize by saying they know its hard. Again I repeat, unless you have been told that news you have NO idea how this feels! All of it has made me turn inward, i feel like the only person I trust to talk to is Nick and other than that I stay at home and keep to myself. The pain is real, the anger is real. Its not easy to handle all these emotions at once. I feel, over the past two months, I have come to know the power of the Savior's love and His Atonement. I know He loves me and although i've been angry, I never doubted He has a plan for me. It doesn't take the pain away, I don't think there is ever anything that will take the pain away. I do however know joy will come and love and hope and dreams. All the things I lost that day will one day come back, including children.
"Family is not about blood, It's about who is willing to hold your hand when you need it most."
In May we will have been married for 2 years and at that point we will be able to begin the adoption process with LDS family services. While adoption does not take away the sting of infertility, infertility does not take away the joy and our excitement about adoption. Life is a journey and what's a journey without the bumps and bruises and scars you gain along the way. Our hearts are still tender but we are moving forward and healing. We have our goals and right now we are just going to the back up plan, our back up plan has let us start the new year on the right foot. On Tuesday we will close on our house! Let 2013 begin! With it bring new hope, a new house, new joys, new challenges and who knows maybe a new family member for the Davis house. We will keep our fingers crossed and a prayer in our heart.
